Rachel,
I used to resent people seeing me as "the one with the baby who died". I thought "that's not who I am", but I have come to realize that, in fact, is who I am, at least in part. It is something that defines my life as unique. Not that no one has never lost a baby before, but my life experiences are mine alone and the sum of them make me who I am. God has allowed every life experience I have ever had and ever will have to equip me for the unique job I have, and to mold me and transform me into the image of HIS Son.
Mommy

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I am so pleased that God saw fit to use me to carr...": Hi. I stumbled upon your blog while doing a search because my name is also Rachel Elaine. Your blog is so beautiful and very much appreciated by me. You see, I lost my first-born, only son, Blake on Nov. 28, 2007 when he was almost 17 years old. He was killed in an auto accident when a class mate hit his car and alammed him into a wall on the way to a very violent death. The boy was an illegal immigrant with no driver's license, unbeknownst to my son (or anyone) at the time. The boy fled the scene after killing my son. We forgave the boy immediately. As I said at the time, one life has been destroyed, I don't want to see anymore destruction if I can help it. After the police left, my first words to God were: "Lord I can accept this as long as I know Blake is in Heaven with You." God has let me know sooo many times with many signs and wonders that are too uncany to be anything else but from His undeniable Hand. Beginning with a very real Hand on my shoulder that actually moved my hair upon telling the family translator to relay to the family "Tell them that we love them." Our son is in Heaven, safe and protected. Although we have taken so much flak for the forgiveness that none can understand, I feel so close to the spirit of my son and oh so comforted by the only One who can give that Peace that transcends understanding, because of the unnatural act, showing the face of Christ at the most trying time there could ever be. There are constant heart-shaped "signs" left from my son even after all this time as his message to me that love never dies. Blake was to graduate high school in a few weeks (as well as having a two year degree from college - he was so smart) and I plan to attend and walk the stage for him as the young people from his class that I've stayed in touch with want to present me with a surprise.I feel like an ambassador for him and will keep my head up for him and to show what miracles God can do.I know what you mean about the legacy your beautiful, precious daughter has left and how a child can do more and leave more in this life than most people do or leave after 90 years. My son was the same. His MySpace.com page (still open at my request) gives a bit of a testimony of who he was. He named the person most wanted to meet as: "Jesus Christ (my savior)" as well as his Hero. He talked about how helping others is the greatest feeling in the world, etc. I am very privileged in being a part of God's plan through the death of my son as hard as it is to bear at times. I see the cause and effect reasons already. And that is only the beginning of seeing the unfinished tapestry and finally being able to see the front side of the tapestry with the clear eyes of eternity. This life is just a flash...just a grain of sand throughout all eternity. We have to keep going and run our race with our last breaths to the best of our abilities even when it takes the last bit of our strength and much borrowed Strength.I am truly sorry of the loss of your precious, Rachel Elaine. Yours and Rachel's blog has really touched me. I had a big cry, looking through her beautiful pictures and reading the words posted. I cry for the loss of your Rachel from your physical life as well as for all of us who have lost a child, in the tears we know so well.I have a small blog: thoughtsforthought.blog.comIt was started before Blake was killed but now consists mostly of grief poetry. It helps the healing process to write and hopefully educate others about the grief process.Sure didn't intend to be so long-winded here (Believe it or not, I am swamped with work right now.) but I wanted to let you know how much I appreciated you sharing Rachel's story and your subsequent journey that I can relate to.May you always find the Hand of the Comforter on your shoulder and the Peace that transcends all understanding of humankind, even through your tears....Love and hugs,Rachel

I am so pleased that God saw fit to use me to carry such a special baby as Rachel into the world. It is humbling to know that through Rachel many lives were changed and many more will be. Rachel left a legacy most people only dream of.
God is amazing. He truly does use ordinary people to accomplish his will. I am proof of that because I am very ordinary without the Holy Spirit working in and through me.
My prayer is that more people are willing to say "here I am Lord", and may that also be the desire of my heart as well.

To Rachels friends and family,

This blog is entitled Waiting for Rachel but now Rachel is waiting for me.
She is waiting for all of those whose life she touched.
Waiting for you to decide to give your life over to God. To trust Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior and the only way to a home in heaven.
She is waiting on your heart to decide once and for all that you are indeed a sinner, that you could never "do enough good" to "earn" your way to heaven, to turn from yourself and sin and come to the cross of Christ where ALL of your sins can be forgiven. All that you need to do is repent and ask Jesus into your heart. Let him into your life and be secure in the knowledge that you too will enjoy eternity with Jesus( and Rachel) in paradise. Nothing is better than that.

"Say their names"

Adapted from Say Olin to Say Good-Bye
written by Don Hackett


The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how were doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Lives slip from frequent recall. There are expectations: close and cpmpassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. Say THEIR NAMES to us. On the stage of our lives they have been both lead and supporting actors and actresses. Do not tiptoe around one of the greatest events of our lives. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. The sounds of their voices replay within our minds. You feel they are dead. We feel they are of the dead and still they live. They ghostwalk our soul, beckoning in future welcome. You say they were our children. We say they are. Say THEIR NAMES to us and say THEIR NAMES again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stirs within us always. They are of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. You say not to remind us. How little you understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could. We understand you, but feel pain in being forced to do so. We forgive you, because you cannot know. And we would forgive you anyway. We accept how you see us, but understand that you see us not at all. We strive not to judge you, for yesterday we were like you. We love you. We will make no exceptions toward you. But we wish you could understand that we dwell both in flesh and spirit. The mystery is that you do too, but know it not. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk with them in flesh, looking not to spirit roads beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost you cannot feel. What we have gained you cannot see. And we would not have you. Say THEIR NAMES for they are alive in us. They and we will meet again, though in many ways we've never parted. They and their lives play light songs on our minds, sunrises and sunsets on our dreams. They are real and shadow, were and are. Say THEIR NAMES to us and say THEIR NAMES again. They are our children and we love them as we always did. Say THEIR NAMES!

Grandma and Grandpa with Rachel Elaine

To ALL my daughters
My Princess....
You are my precious daughter

You are a daughter of the King, and not just any king. You are My daughter, and I am the God of all heaven and earth. I'm delighted with you! You are the apple of My eye. You're Daddy's girl. Your earthly father may love and adore you, but his love is not perfect, no matter how great -or small -it is. Only My love is perfect ... because I am Love. I formed your body. I fashioned your mind and soul. I know your personality, and I understand your needs and desires. I see your heartaches and disappointments, and I love you passionately and patiently. My child, I bought you with a price so that we could have an intimate relationship together for all eternity. Soon we will see each other face-to-face, Father and daughter- and you will experience the wonderful place I have prepared for you in paradise. Until then, fix your eyes on heaven, and walk closely with Me. You will know that- although I am God -My arms are not too big to hold you, My beloved daughter.

Love,
Your King and your Daddy in heaven

"And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty,
2 Corinthians 6:18

Mom

Rachel, 1/30/08

Wow, In Jennifers' baby pictures you and she look so much alike-even the hair color-you just had more hair than Jen and your skin was darker like your Dad and your sister Kelly.
I try to imagine what you would look like today. You would be 16 weeks old and plumpin up. I can almost guarantee baby blue eyes just like all of your siblings. Hair, now thats another story-we all have slightly different haircolors so I just dont know.
Your brother Matthew cried last night while we were praying. He said " I wish I could have held her good-bye". I explained that it was a very good thing that he wasn't home the night she went home to heaven because it was very sad, but he said he didn't care, he wanted to (in his words) "hold you alot more times". I did too......
Missing You,
Mom

Baby Jacob has left a new comment on your post "Rachel, 1/23/09 I keep thinking ...": Hi Barb~I just wanted to say hello and let you know that I am truly blessed to have been in the presence of sweet Rachel not just once but twice! I wasn't sure if I would ever see another T18 baby and there she was, perfectly made by the Creator to grace this world for three days, do what He had her to do by winning our hearts with her pesence and then she went to be with the One who created her with such amazing purpose. She is a true miracle. We are bound by our greif for our precious babies made with such wonderful purpose. Love and thinking of you and your family,Karen

Rachel, 1/23/09
I keep thinking about the night(morning) you were born. When we finally knew if you had Trisome 18 or not. When we realized that God decided not to heal you, I was in shock. Part of me really believed God was going to heal you, and still another part of me knew that His work wouldn't be accomplished if you were born healthy and healed. The hardest part of that night was when the delivery was all over and everyone there came in the room. No one said anything for the longest time. The heaviness of it was so obvious.
I love everyone of those people who were in that room with me and I am so grateful for their support. Especially your Dad, he was so soft yet so strong for me and for you. I love and admire him so much more than I ever had before. I know also that your older brothers and sisters and your grandma and grandpa and your aunts and uncles were waiting anxiously for the news. So were many others who couldnt be present but were there in spirit nonetheless. I love you all.
Mom

Baby Rachel, 1/16/09

Your Grama Patty is such a beautiful, remarkable woman. She was with me throughought my entire labor and delivery, right through to a few days after your death.

She stayed in my hospital room on the most uncomfortable "bed" imaginable the night I delivered you. She took care of me in the hospital. She stayed with us at home and helped us with EVERYTHING.

God has blessed me with a very tender, generous woman as my Mom.

Thank you Mom.

I know she loved you very much Rachel.

Love,

Mommy

Rachel

It is truly amazing how beautiful you were when you were not having "an episode." Apenic is what the doctors and nurses called it I think.. You looked so healthy and "normal" sometimes, that it was hard to believe you were sick. .......But, then there were the other times when you WERE having an"episode", when you couldn't get enough oxygen into your lungs and your face would get all distorted and you would turn gray in color. It was in those moments I knew just how sick you were.

God blessed me with 3 glorious days with you, and in that time I experienced the beauty of life and the ugliness of death.

Praise Jesus for defeating death and giving any who will come to Him new life, not only in this world, but forever with Him in paradise.

Amy McFarland said...
Rachel Sings within His LightLook into your heart each day,God says, "I'm still right here for you"...Holding your hand, each step of the way,Knowing that your days are blue.He cannot take away the pain, He can only give you His love...For when the sunshine turns to rain,His angels come down from above.Surrounding your soul with His light,embracing your innermost fears, God's angels have come to sit by your side,and wipe away the tears.One day at a time is all we have,God knows the road is long...Rachel is now within that light,playing her own little song.Listen for it you will hear,her song that she sings for you...for with each tear is a glimmer of light,It's Rachel singing to you

Aunt Rose said...

Barb:

I know oh so well the hole you feel in your heart...it takes time..it really is a healer... You see loss is only an illusion..Rachel Elaine is just transformed into a beautful spirit...God sent her with An Angels Message...I believe God gives us the Grace to move forward even though that soul is not physically with us..as each day passes it gets a bit easier..I just know she is blooming like the flower ...God is so Pleased...I pray for you each and every day...I thank God you and your beautiful family are a part of my Life..I only wish we could be in eachothers presence daily...Perhaps one day ...For some reason today is a hard day for me as well...I was also Touched By An Angel...Not just one ...I Love and Miss Y'all so much it sometimes just hurts
Aunt Rose

Bad Day

Rachel, 1-1-09

Bad day!
I somehow had to let go of you again when I removed the 2008 calander from the wall.
What a year!
You were conceived in January, I found out we were expecting in February, had a sonogram in April that revealed a potential problem, found out with more accuracy in May( I think) that it was Trisome 18.
I fell more and more in love with you every day.
You were born and gone in October.
November and December went by so quickly.
I dont want to let go of 2008 because in some way that I cant put my finger on I feel as if I am loosing you again.

With the holidays over the pain of loosing you has resurfaced with a vengence. How foolish it was of me to think I was suddenly"all better". I love you and miss you.

Mommy

Dear Rachel, 12/22/08

I am so torn, because a large part of me selfishly wants Jesus to return and rapture His church so suffering can end and we will never have to say goog-bye to people we love again, but another part of me knows there are so many people (including my own family and friends) that do not yet know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, and they would be left behind, and perhaps have to suffer eternally, seperated from God, in the lake of fire.
Please Lord, give me courage to tell people about you and your saving grace.

I am homesick.
Mom

Amy McFarland said...
Yes Barb that hole will always be there waiting for the day that you and Rachel are once again united! If you were to fill the hole then her place would not be there when you meet again...You see, the only difference from today and the tomorrows to come are this: that hole is there, each day it becomes a little easier to live with, each day is one day closer to when you will be together again, each day you will feel His Light within that hole grow stronger, each day her presence within grows stronger...Not one person that has crossed her path has forgotten!Not one person that has crossed her path was not moved in some way by meeting her.And not one person that has crossed her path will be the same ever again!I just know that as you grow and move forward in your life, fulfilling your purpose here on earth, Rachel is proud to have you for a mother, she is smiling upon now as I write this, she smiles upon you as you write all your thoughts and emotions.Believe it or not, she is in that "hole" that you speak of! It is now just a matter of when you truly feel her there. I love you all so very much!
December 29, 2008 4:05 PM